Iceberg that hit the titantic....

So, most people that know me well, know that I'm a really deep thinker....but I try my damndest not to show it. But lately, I dunno if my over analyzation disease is kicking my ass, or if I'm just not putting together the pieces of a long drawn out puzzle......a storyboard if you will, That is pointing in a direction I would never expected. I know that everytime I write here, it seems as if I'm just a constant abstract, and I never really get to the point, But I feel like thats just it. Everything that happens is already drawn, and leading to more, and it took me 20 years to realize it.

It's like I stumble onto bits and pieces of the past at times when they aren't needed, or so it seems. Call them flashbacks, PTSD, whatever you will. But I just feel like my brain is constantly tripping over itself in riddles and metaphors.

Basically I'm locked in a room, full of ghosts. Got my sweet ghostbusters jumpsuit, but no proton pack or trap. my head is going to explode....

TRAINWRECK....

Well.....no one died.

But, a trip back home sparked a couple thoughts in my brain..a couple surprising.

Someones unexpected anticipation, all the well worth it......somehow i feel a bit shocked.

I know you know.

I Can't hide it anymore.

By God, I've tried. Call me crazy.... I don't care who sees this. You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all. 'Cause I don't know who i am without you, all i know is that I should.

The thought of another hand on you hurts more than any worldly pain to me. I feel like I'm living inside a ghost....a time machine if you will, that leaves me stuck in moments and refuses to let me move forward. I know you'll never see this, and I know that if you do it probably won't mean anything anymore.....but just know one more thing...

Your playlist never leaves my i tunes, and everything I pretended to hate.... I never did, and you are everything I ever wanted......maybe one day you'll realize that, and know that I'm always here. I applaud for trying to be so strong, but I think that you and I both know.........I'll always be here, and I'll always hold that place in your heart.....as you do mine.

dreams are somtimes better kept that way.

It's been a few months since I have written here. But I figured why not come back with a story worth telling. The human psyche can be the most blissful thing to connect yourself with, and it can be your worst enemy, all of which we take for granted and never take a chance to give a second thought.

Well my friends, my brain almost put me into shock the other night. I had a dream, so real, so vivid, that when I awoke, I felt like the mattress was some sort of landing pad....I even woke up with a head ache.

So here I go, time to recollect...


Sunny day..... Wrightsville beach, a place everyone is familiar with, I wake up in the sand wearing a plain white shirt and khaki shorts ( pretty ironic all beach family photos carry the same attire.). I stand up and brush all the sand off, I'm not wearing shoes and there are none in sight. The sand in my eyes only makes things harder to make out, but I do notice there is not a soul here, Not even a gull searching for dollar menu french fries to munch on. So, even in a dream state i find this to be pretty odd. But for some reason, I turn my head towards the pier, (Not really sure which one it is, but it's there.) And i see a figure in the distance walking towards me, and still my vision is engulfed in sand, so i clear my eyes and the figure gets closer. And in that moment, I felt my heart skip a beat.........It was her. (she will remain nameless.) I was so overwhelmed, i began to sweat....not because I was overheating, but just for the simple fact that I could'nt believe my eyes. She stops in front of me, with a smile that could make a hurricane stop in it's tracks and simply says " Hey stranger." and opens her arms. God, I went weak at the knees and just grabbed her and held her so tight that I was surprised I did'nt hear bones breaking. I spun her around her around and set her back down. I could'nt keeps my eyes off of her, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I said " It still feels like yesterday, and the only thing that has kept me going this long is hoping to wake up to this day....I love you so much, please don't ever leave me again.". She brushed the hair out of her face, And grabbed mine and held me in for a kiss that felt like days were passing, but in that moment....It was like i could feel the earth stop and stare. But in a split second a voice in the distance called her name.... and I'm looking off in the distance trying to make sence of it. She fixes her eyes of into the distance and says "I have to go, I'm sorry Chip.". She pulls away and runs off into the distance....And I drop to my knees in the sand, out of breath and in a daze, yelling at the top of my lungs....


Then reality gives me a swift kick to the face and I wake up.....my house is the same as I left it, But I feel like I've been gone for days....and I cant help but bawl my eyes out ( whatever, dudes have emotions too, they just try not to show em'.).

So, never take your mind for granted, Because it will piick you up and bring to the highest point, and sure enough...drop you back on your ass to fend for yourself....Another reason I think that Robocop has it waaaayy easier than anyone in the universe.

i hope you like dancin' in the rain.

So now, my current has done a complete 180. I have the chance to bring back the best part of my life. I'm hopeful....but at the same time, I'm scared to death...

I'mma tell you, like Wu told me....

Cash rules everything around me....singin dolla dolla bills y'all. God, how I would love to get the douche bag that wrote that song in a strangle hold. It's amazing how some things turn out. My case, no matter how hard I try, I always sit and watch myself become the enemy. Even if some of the reasons this comes about are not even a fault of my own, I always end up reaping the benefeits of someones shitty atittude. To watch yourself lose the one you care about the most on hunch that is a 100% lie, and for a whole family to alienate you over a debt thats far from capital. Times like these where I sit and wonder, maybe I better off answering to no one, maybe, just maybe....this being alone thing isnt that bad. I am better trusting no one, that way I can never get burned.

Seriously?

Who would've thunk that it would snow 2 times this year all ready.....Not me. I'm used to getting snow maybe once every 5 years, not twice in a new year. Guess that goes to show you everything doesn't always happen like you think it's going to , or how you're use to it happening. But hey, I've learned thats just how life goes. You can spend days, months, even years trying to search for ways to make things more comfortable, or just a little more....shall we say "routine" to what you're use to. Whether it be the the people in your life, where you live, the car you drive, or your favorite restaurant on the corner that closed when you were 12, Things in the past that made life what it was back then cant be a part of what life is now.

Me personally, theres times where I sit and wonder, and I search, and I wish for things to be the way they used to be. Knowing where all my friends are, Knowing what pretty face I'm coming home to when I get off work, Knowing that I'm debt free and that I dont have 80 million tickets and fines to pay off, and Having a family; even though they werent my own to welcome me, and to be happy to see me everytime I walk through their door. Alot of these things are only memories now, maybe some will return, maybe not. But until then, I have to get my current straight