Iceberg that hit the titantic....

So, most people that know me well, know that I'm a really deep thinker....but I try my damndest not to show it. But lately, I dunno if my over analyzation disease is kicking my ass, or if I'm just not putting together the pieces of a long drawn out puzzle......a storyboard if you will, That is pointing in a direction I would never expected. I know that everytime I write here, it seems as if I'm just a constant abstract, and I never really get to the point, But I feel like thats just it. Everything that happens is already drawn, and leading to more, and it took me 20 years to realize it.

It's like I stumble onto bits and pieces of the past at times when they aren't needed, or so it seems. Call them flashbacks, PTSD, whatever you will. But I just feel like my brain is constantly tripping over itself in riddles and metaphors.

Basically I'm locked in a room, full of ghosts. Got my sweet ghostbusters jumpsuit, but no proton pack or trap. my head is going to explode....

TRAINWRECK....

Well.....no one died.

But, a trip back home sparked a couple thoughts in my brain..a couple surprising.

Someones unexpected anticipation, all the well worth it......somehow i feel a bit shocked.

I know you know.

I Can't hide it anymore.

By God, I've tried. Call me crazy.... I don't care who sees this. You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all. 'Cause I don't know who i am without you, all i know is that I should.

The thought of another hand on you hurts more than any worldly pain to me. I feel like I'm living inside a ghost....a time machine if you will, that leaves me stuck in moments and refuses to let me move forward. I know you'll never see this, and I know that if you do it probably won't mean anything anymore.....but just know one more thing...

Your playlist never leaves my i tunes, and everything I pretended to hate.... I never did, and you are everything I ever wanted......maybe one day you'll realize that, and know that I'm always here. I applaud for trying to be so strong, but I think that you and I both know.........I'll always be here, and I'll always hold that place in your heart.....as you do mine.

dreams are somtimes better kept that way.

It's been a few months since I have written here. But I figured why not come back with a story worth telling. The human psyche can be the most blissful thing to connect yourself with, and it can be your worst enemy, all of which we take for granted and never take a chance to give a second thought.

Well my friends, my brain almost put me into shock the other night. I had a dream, so real, so vivid, that when I awoke, I felt like the mattress was some sort of landing pad....I even woke up with a head ache.

So here I go, time to recollect...


Sunny day..... Wrightsville beach, a place everyone is familiar with, I wake up in the sand wearing a plain white shirt and khaki shorts ( pretty ironic all beach family photos carry the same attire.). I stand up and brush all the sand off, I'm not wearing shoes and there are none in sight. The sand in my eyes only makes things harder to make out, but I do notice there is not a soul here, Not even a gull searching for dollar menu french fries to munch on. So, even in a dream state i find this to be pretty odd. But for some reason, I turn my head towards the pier, (Not really sure which one it is, but it's there.) And i see a figure in the distance walking towards me, and still my vision is engulfed in sand, so i clear my eyes and the figure gets closer. And in that moment, I felt my heart skip a beat.........It was her. (she will remain nameless.) I was so overwhelmed, i began to sweat....not because I was overheating, but just for the simple fact that I could'nt believe my eyes. She stops in front of me, with a smile that could make a hurricane stop in it's tracks and simply says " Hey stranger." and opens her arms. God, I went weak at the knees and just grabbed her and held her so tight that I was surprised I did'nt hear bones breaking. I spun her around her around and set her back down. I could'nt keeps my eyes off of her, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I said " It still feels like yesterday, and the only thing that has kept me going this long is hoping to wake up to this day....I love you so much, please don't ever leave me again.". She brushed the hair out of her face, And grabbed mine and held me in for a kiss that felt like days were passing, but in that moment....It was like i could feel the earth stop and stare. But in a split second a voice in the distance called her name.... and I'm looking off in the distance trying to make sence of it. She fixes her eyes of into the distance and says "I have to go, I'm sorry Chip.". She pulls away and runs off into the distance....And I drop to my knees in the sand, out of breath and in a daze, yelling at the top of my lungs....


Then reality gives me a swift kick to the face and I wake up.....my house is the same as I left it, But I feel like I've been gone for days....and I cant help but bawl my eyes out ( whatever, dudes have emotions too, they just try not to show em'.).

So, never take your mind for granted, Because it will piick you up and bring to the highest point, and sure enough...drop you back on your ass to fend for yourself....Another reason I think that Robocop has it waaaayy easier than anyone in the universe.

i hope you like dancin' in the rain.

So now, my current has done a complete 180. I have the chance to bring back the best part of my life. I'm hopeful....but at the same time, I'm scared to death...

I'mma tell you, like Wu told me....

Cash rules everything around me....singin dolla dolla bills y'all. God, how I would love to get the douche bag that wrote that song in a strangle hold. It's amazing how some things turn out. My case, no matter how hard I try, I always sit and watch myself become the enemy. Even if some of the reasons this comes about are not even a fault of my own, I always end up reaping the benefeits of someones shitty atittude. To watch yourself lose the one you care about the most on hunch that is a 100% lie, and for a whole family to alienate you over a debt thats far from capital. Times like these where I sit and wonder, maybe I better off answering to no one, maybe, just maybe....this being alone thing isnt that bad. I am better trusting no one, that way I can never get burned.

Seriously?

Who would've thunk that it would snow 2 times this year all ready.....Not me. I'm used to getting snow maybe once every 5 years, not twice in a new year. Guess that goes to show you everything doesn't always happen like you think it's going to , or how you're use to it happening. But hey, I've learned thats just how life goes. You can spend days, months, even years trying to search for ways to make things more comfortable, or just a little more....shall we say "routine" to what you're use to. Whether it be the the people in your life, where you live, the car you drive, or your favorite restaurant on the corner that closed when you were 12, Things in the past that made life what it was back then cant be a part of what life is now.

Me personally, theres times where I sit and wonder, and I search, and I wish for things to be the way they used to be. Knowing where all my friends are, Knowing what pretty face I'm coming home to when I get off work, Knowing that I'm debt free and that I dont have 80 million tickets and fines to pay off, and Having a family; even though they werent my own to welcome me, and to be happy to see me everytime I walk through their door. Alot of these things are only memories now, maybe some will return, maybe not. But until then, I have to get my current straight

old as hayle...

So as of January 29th, 2009 i switched some biological numbers around.......I'm freakin' 20 years old. Do I feel older? No. Do I feel any Different? No. Are things a lot different than my last birthday?....God yes.

But On a lighter, I stated some opinions in a previous about someone who will remain nameless (Only because i keep slight consideration in mind.), And I do apologize for the way they came out, But in no way do i regret saying them. You ever seen that movie with Leo DiCaprio when hes that plane inventor with OCD? Well cut a few scenes to where ole' buddy leo gets locked in a room for months. What happens to him? Right, He goes absolutely insane. No contact from anyone, not even his girl in the movie....one of the reasons he was locked in. And I know I'm saying a lot, so I'll cut to it, You cant just leave someone without anything....nothing to grow on or hope for, even a quick "fuck you i hate you." would of sufficed. Or Maybe I just don't understand your reasoning... But now I can Finally say that I'm through. You don't have to worry about me contacting you, or saying anything to you for that matter, Because i have been on the most fucked up unfair roller coaster ride for the past few months, And I'm ready to get off and leave this ride behind.

You kept me here long enough to get comfortable, and start a new life. Well, I'm here to tell you, i do admit i asked people for help, but no more. I'm sick of you running, and im tired of chasing you, and these new people in your life must mean more to you than anything has. I admit, you do have a cleaver way of burning bridges. Just know one more thing....This bridge is burned to the ground, and it's gonna stay that way.

Thank you.

welcome to thunderdome.

haha

my job is like the movie "waiting" in its entirety. i say welcome to thunderdome at least 15 times a day.


but yeah, things are gettin all crazyfied at my job....gettin a lil worried, not gonna lie. but yeah other than that, I think alot.

If things happen for a reason, then why do I get sooooo much bad at one time. Seriously, I havent had a good day all the way through in months, I don't mean to sound like a whiner, But i really do miss the feeling. Aside from that though, my bank account is back to normal, but i have limited funds like crazy, and i have soo much stuff to pay for, geez, I'm living proof that no one that actually trys get a break...never,ever. And for the most part, people at my job are all down to earth dudes....But then theres a few douche bags who ruin it for people like me. They take the time to seriously tattle tail on every teeny tiny thing you do wrong, whether it been signing documents in pen, or leavin a truck door open. I actually had someone say that I told them to fuck off, haha. They gave no reason leading to it, they just said i said it. Some people are sad, selfish people who are willing to sell other people out, lie, and cheat they're way to looking like a model employee...and that utterly disgusts me.

in the word of the legendary Bizkit that is Limp.....Its all about the he said, she said bullshit.

time,

Sooo yeah.

Still feeling almost completely heartless, and im starting to grow more and more comfortable with it by the day.

And you... You wear the mask of whatever crowd you're around at the time, and you live on the worlds opinions more than you need air. and I say this, not because I'm a completely bitter person, i say this because you are too "mature" to face me, and all you can do is sit in the woods and chuckle with your dumbass friends and play power hour till you end up naked in the back of a Chevy. i hope you're happy, because now i can get back to what makes me happy......my life, playing music, the friends you kept me from ( and acted like it was my fault.), and just waking up without any thought on my mind, but how cold its going to be in the morning when i get to the wonderful world of private aircraft land. I can listen to what i want to in my car now, i can pick out my shoes again, i don't have to listen to brad paisley anymore, and i dont have to worry about sayin the wrong thing to you when its that time of the month, because you are pure spawn from hell evil when that time comes. I consider this a goodbye letter that you will never read, and its not because i sit and miss you and want you back in my life, its me finally being ok with the person you morphed into. You lost the person i knew a long time ago, and dont get me wrong im glad you found yourself, and how you can sit on whoevers beer gut and laugh at me for having feelings. But its you that made me realize i had a heart beating in my chest, and its you that makes me wish that i was still ignorant to the fact that its there now. I havent seen one chick flick in months, i havent had to do your homework, i havent given a massage, or got down on my hands and knees and checked for spiders ( because they scare the shit out of you.), and when i go to arbys....i get all my food from arbys and dont go anywhere else for my french fries, soda etc. and, i also just wanted to thank you for makin me out to be some kind of nutcase to people, even though you know you caused it, and i know you laugh yourself to sleep now because of it. Our pictures became one with this weeks garbage pick up, and i honestly watched the trash truck roll away, i shed one tear and got back to eating breakfast. So now, you can do what you always wanted....go clubbin and grind on dudes with spikey hair and marlboro breath, go to tractor pulls and get wasted, make out with fat hairy dudes, and blare hank jr. on your way to work.

I'll always love and miss the you i used to know, but i could give two pins in a shitstorm about the person you have become. i know i messed up some, and i have no problem admitting it ( see i do admit when I'm wrong, and i do admit to things i have ACTUALLY done.) , i wake up with no headache, and no arguments ( that i didn't even start....you actually told me i had to say i was wrong, even when it was your fault....come on Einstein, that makes as much sense as trying to carve jack o lanterns with a Q-tip.) that i have to make up for. you were a beautiful person, and what i thought the world had in store for me....but now i know that you were just training.....preparing me and telling me to never even set my eyes on people like you for as long as i have a breath in my lungs.

I'm done ranting, i don't wanna sit and complain.

Goodbye to the you i know..........hello dolly

don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

frozen.

Ya know, call me a simpleton or just easily amused, but for snow to come out of nowhere after years of being MIA, pretty much amazes me. How a little change in the atmosphere, can make such a nice, white, frozen outcome that causes people to run around and be happy without a worldly care or a doubt in their mind. The way things happen in life also come like snow......maybe not so drastic to the point where you let sparky out to paint the ground yellow, and he meets you at the backdoor a meat Popsicle, But just how events, even the smallest ones can lead to most of the time, not the best outcome.

Humans are very complex pieces of equipment, we are the only species with the only brain that can figure out how to one day make electricity, make a wheel, or even discover gun powder. Bu humans also need entertainment from time to time. And like vampires, most feed off exposing others weaknesses and using them against them. The rise that most of the population gets by causing someone to feel pain, whether it be physical or emotional really makes me more disgusted than have ever been in my almost 20 years of life.



I'll let this marinade and finish later.

Fly me to the moon......

You know, It's really amazing how getting rained on for 3 days straight will make the gears in your brain start going ballistic....

Aside from falling asleep while towing million dollar aircraft's, and zoolander style freak gasoline fights ( without the accident.), I have been sitting pondering, just taking a glimpse at anything and everything I possibly could in my life, and I've come to a conclusion. If I had ever sat down and actually thought to myself..."What do I honestly think Life will be like a year from now?", I would of never guessed that i would be standing outside in the rain, day in...day out. I would have never guessed a lot of things, but the question that bothers me more than a P.O.W with a urinary tract infection is, Will these times be the permanent play out for the rest of my story? Are times like these just training for bumpier roads ahead? Me personally, as much as I pray that I could, I couldn't tell you, Because I do not have a clue. Call it reminiscing, I just can't bring myself to get a grip on it.

Home...
To people, home can have a vast array of meanings. The place where you lay your head at night, the place where your heart is. To me personally, I could call a lot of things home. Whether it be the friends house i couch crash at when I don't feel like driving my jeep into the sunset and cutting to the credits, or just activities that i become so familiar with, they become second nature...a home to me. Well, I made another home....and to me it was greater than anything I had ever Imagined. And right now, I'm left with this comfort zone to go to when my head is spinning, but, now only in memories. I get down on my knees everyday and pray to god that I can return home again..

I made my home in you....and I'll stand in the rain as long i need to....You don't even need to leave the porch light on, I Can see more clearly than anyone. I'll stand at your front door as long as it takes, just please don't forget that I'm there.

boom boom boom snap crackle boom pop.

Yeah....Pointless title, but I couldn't think of something quite catchy enough to grab attention, so yeah all you got is a Compton ass cereal ad.

Anyways, Wrap your minds around this ladies and gentleman, "I fear what I know, Not what I Wonder.". I know some of you are thinking, "What the hell is this guy babbling about?", But think about it...Let it register for second. For instance, say your car gets stolen when you stop by the pub for a nice brown ale and a brief fist fight, What are you thinking more about? The fact that Harry the homeless guy, Sportin' an Original print Miami Vice shirt ( who probably hasn't even thought about a shower since around '84, when he originally ganked that shirt from a 7/11.), is crusing around town in your fresh new whip, or what hes doing to it in the process.....

Take the Obvious, You are more afraid and more focused on the fact that he has it, and not so much what he plans on doing to it. Thats where I'm getting at with this if you were wondering. I am way more bothered by what I know , or what I can possibly see, and not so much what i think could be happening. Maybe thats a more quality way to cope with certain issues for the time being.... I don't know. But, I do know this, Visuals hurt way worse than thoughts, Which is why I have come to terms with the fact that Blind people have a great advantage over society. Sure they cant enjoy simple visual pleasures.....seein' your first pretty girl, your first horror movie, pickin out your clothes for your first day of college. But the fact that the only feelings they have to deal with when something turns for the worst ,or things are not going their way are internal and mental....to me is an absolute blessing in disguise. Don't get me wrong, I would never wish to not be able to see, Because family guy and midget wrestling are two things I would hate to give up, But in a way i think these people live above us. To have no sight of fear, heartbreak, or any kinda of hazards. Well to me, thats pretty much amazing. That is all.....


Ps, It's NOT freezing today, I've already taken a nap, and watched like 3 episodes of Rob and Big. Life is good.

i know.

i know it seems like i have too much time on my hands.....but hey, its just a day full of breaks, because outside its currently 13 degrees below freezing, and me and my buddy John gotta pull up planes for people who have no sympathy on us for almost becoming snow men....but hey its all good, more free coffee.

completely out of money at the moment.....gotta make somethin happen, cause my jeep, as much as i would like it to, does not run on hopes and dreams. Ridin on E, yeah dude. And i dont know if it's the fact that there is ice all over the ground, or the fact that i tried to be magnum PI and slide across the hood of my car this morning, only to land on iced over gravel...... I have alot of things on my mind. And i just keep thinking... I don't wanna go into details so much, because a person can only think out loud for so long before everything he says becomes another year old book that ends up by the crapper for uncle bo to read after a nice hearty meal. But, i sit and wonder, day in day out, thinkin of how i, in any human way possible could change certain things. I know there are other things in my life i need to tend to first....but for now, even with my brain turning to rainbow sherbert with this dumbass weather, the place i do have, even if it is from a distance, I know that things will fall back into the place i want them to again....even if it does take more time than i would prefer. I know I'm the one turning the pages now, but i think i'll stop a study this one for a while, and I know in my heart that I am not wasting my time. Even it takes months/years, so be it.


And I've always heard people say that, "You never know whats on a persons' mind until they actually say it.". Well me personally, I like to keep people guessing whats actually on mind, or what I really mean by some of the things i say. Maybe, I was just born with a great Sense of indirect logic, or maybe I've adapted the trait over time. I like to let the world know what I'm thinking, without ever actually. saying it.

ice ice baby.

Yeah dude.....like i said, 14 degrees this morning. Needless to say, I froze my friggin ass off, and ended the day at a whopping high of 33 degrees. The weather changes so much, like if the weather was a weirdo waitin to get his weiner chopped off so he could get his new vagina appliance installed, well....dude, there would be alot of fe-MALES walkin around with adams apples. So lesson for the day is, dont be so quick to hit on susie in New York pizza, cause later susie will turn into steve and well.....nobody likes surprises.

BUT HEY....on a lighter note, I might be getting some money, not counting on it, but it's somethin' to possibly look forward to. I sure hope to god i do, because don't get me wrong, me and ramen have been tight for years, but when we start to spend time together everyday.....then me and ramen become more of a love hate relationship, and I hate it, I really do, 'cause ramens been there even when dollar menu was too expensive.

But yeah, drank a whole lot of coffee today, cause its free...ate even more mints cause hey, surprise, surprise, they were free too. My hands are so dry they are startin to look a kris angel metamorphisis gone wrong.


doin it all over again tomorrow, and yes, it will be colder.....life is just a bowl of frozen ass cherries.

so yeah dude.

never thought that I would make one of these....but hey, I get bored.

Temperatures are reaching a record low within the next few days. Geez, lucky me.... I'm the one whose job mostly consists of me being outside chasing planes, not having anywhere to hide from wind, awesomeness....

But Aside from that, i advise no one to get an account from alliance credit union, because it's obviously ran by a bunch of retards. What they decide to do was to not clear any of my debit purchases from december until 2 weeks ago....leaving me in the negative about 800 dollars....and gave me no notice of this until one day, my debit card miraculously stopped working hmmm. And to top it off, i got paid, and never got to see any of the money because i decided to get direct deposit. life....yeah.

And me personally, I have never been one to dwell on things for a long time before i let them go and move on. but, honestly, as i crazy as i sound, i get signs everyday to tell me not to let it go, but to keep on truckin....even if it is from a distance. i know things happen for a reason, and the last few weeks have been proof of that. and i know one day a certain someone will realise this. Not just these things, but alot of other things in life arent even close to the way i want 'em to be, But i know, even if its the saying.."time heals everything." is all i have to keep me going, then so be it. I know the things i love WILL come back to me in time. I know i have people that are here for me, and i know i have real friends, But they cant be everything to me...only certain things can. Dont get me wrong, i love them all very much too, but i have an empty space...and im sittin on dock skippin' rocks until its filled again.

Oh...and on a lighter note... I think im gonna join the Navy. but dont jump outta your seat yet....just a thought.

oh another ps, i've eaten more than one fluffer nutter sandwich in the past 24 hours thanks to everyone at the Park/Caferello (dunno if i spelled that right.) household.